I Was Late To Work... Because of a Bowel Movement

Back by popular demand! So many people have requested that I continue to blog on this here bloggy thing. Ok, that's a lie. Just one person. Apparently I'm funny enough that my blog doesn't bore people to the point where they want to throw their computers out the window. Or one person. Geez, these plurals are gonna get me in trouble someday. Anyway, I have a story. And I'm  pretty sure this has happened to everyone. And if it hasn't, you should definitely hear me out and agree with me because it would make me feel much better about my own life.

This past week, my entire family has been out of town visiting my sister. I was the lucky duck who got to stay home to watch the dog. So fun. Anyway, I HAVE been enjoying my time here. It's so quiet, nobody to tell me what I need to do, when I need to do it, it's like I'm in college again! But there's also the fact that there's nobody here to cook for me either. And a girl like me needs a built-in chef at the moment. Full time job, school full time, wannabe social life... yeah. I'd love to come home to food on the stove. But that ain't happening this week. So what have I been doing? Well, I guess you could call it cooking. Hot pockets, Tyson's honey bbq chicken nuggets, taquitos, grilled cheese. K fine. That's not cooking. But I get so hungry and I don't wanna wait to eat for 30 minutes while my meal is cooking! Sista's impatient, ya know? So I cook all that crap because it's easy and somewhat tasty. However, there is a downside to all of this.

Because these foods are high in grease and low in fiber/ any other healthy ingredient besides water, the digestive system tends to go amuck. Like, really amuck. Mucky muck. That's a fun word. Anyway, needless to say (or maybe I do need to say it? I don't know.) My tummy has kinda been outta wack because I'm used to having healthy stuff in my food. And it talks to me too! It's crazy, sometimes my stomach is loud, sometimes it whines, and I swear the other day I heard it say 'I hate you.'

Well, this morning was... interesting. I woke up at about 8:45 to take a shower and get ready for work. So I'm in the middle of taking my shower, and I feel a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. So sharp of a pain that it had me doubled over in the shower with what I'm sure looked like a constipated look on my face. Cute, I know. Well a few seconds later, it goes away completely. And I'm like, YEAH! I WIN!  But no... the bowel wins out every time. EVERY TIME! So I get out of the shower, I put half of my face on, and it comes back tenfold. Again, doubled over, but this time I'm feeling this hot flash. Mind you, I'm on a tight schedule because I'm a sloooow mover in the mornings. Ask my sister. It caused many of our fights in high school. So you know, I run to the lifesaver/the potty. NOTHING happens. Just the pain. So then I thought to myself, if this is anything like having children, I am so druggin' it up! (The legal kind. Stop judging me.) Well, I won't go into any detail but I was on the toilet fighting for my life for about 20 minutes. Which is valuable time wasted. My hair could have been finished. I could have clipped my toenails, buffed my fingernails, and painted all 20 of them in that amount of time! But no. My colon decided the morning was the perfect time to put me in hell.

Hence folks, the reason I was late to work. And did I tell my coworker the reason for my tardiness? Why yes, yes I did. Gotta be honest, right? And mind you... I WILL be eating healthier while I'm here by myself for  the rest of the week.

Good night.