How To Sneak Food In The Dead Of The Night

We've all snuck food from the pantry before. I know you have, dear reader, because you are a human. And humans get weird cravings deep in the night, and it becomes ever so difficult to control the appetite at all hours of said night/morning. And, as per usual on a night such as this, I had a craving for cereal. And I do my best thinking when I'm eating, thus I produce this blog. Good friends, this is a 'how to' guide to sneaking food undetected from the pantry at night. I know your skills are not as good as mine simply because this is a talent I harbor that cannot be matched. Ever. By anyone. You'll thank me later. Or sooner, for tomorrow night you may be able to put your new abilities to the test... and you still won't be as good as me. Just kidding! But seriously. Because I turn into a ninja at night.

How To Sneak Food In The Dead Of The Night

1.) Whether you live in a home with an upstairs or not, memorize the creaks in your floor/stairs and avoid them at all costs. You have no idea how magnified the noise upstairs is to a downstairs listener. You might as well be screaming "HEY I'M COMING TO GET SOME OF THIS HERE FOOD, AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME NO!" Or something along those lines.

2.) Learn to weigh nothing. If you don't weigh anything, when you put your feet on the ground and tiptoe through the house, nobody can hear you. And don't wear house shoes or socks. Seriously, those weigh like a hundred pounds each, and you can hear someone walking with them on from a mile away. If you do this, I will kill you by shooting lasers through my eyes.

3.) Be a silent breather. Yeah, I'm talking to all of you loud breathers out there. I hope you know when you do that, or breathe with your mouth all open and stuff for the flies to come and go as they may, you make everyone around you feel weird. Better yet, when you're trying to sneak, just learn to hold your breath for hours at a time and you'll be set. Or just learn to breathe normally. That could work too.

4.) Make sure that the food that you want does not have loud packaging. I.e chip bags, anything you have to heat up in a microwave, anything you have to bake. You get the picture. The whole point is to be silent.

5.) Oil door hinges. Especially the hinges to the cupboard. Because that's where the food is. I hope...

6.) Get parents who are not easily woken up. I know this may sound hard, but you may be able to obtain a few of those through the 'Adopt a New Parent' agency. Worked for me!

7.) Do not wear any objects on your body that make any noises, such as dangly earrings, belly button rings (those are ew anyway) loose jewelry. Also, don't let your heart beat too loudly. I know you're excited to eat some of that delicious midnight food, but try to keep the heart rate to a minimum, k?

8.) Once you have obtained your beverage/snack, quietly go back the way you came. Except this time, it's a little more complicated because now you've got a crap ton of food with you. So if it's liquid, have amazing balance and don't drop it. If it's food, have a amazing balance and don't drop it.

9.) Learn to see in the dark. If you can't do this, you're never going to get anywhere with this.

10.) And last but not least, become me.

So I'm really sorry for giving you all of these suggestions only for you to find out that you will never accomplish all of these things. You may be able to do a few, yes, but I can do all. And so, this makes me the best food sneaker in the world. I hope you all have enjoyed learning how to do something you'll never be able to do. I do it because I love you!!