Another Bathroom Story

Hello blogging audience! I have decided that recording things in this blog is something I should get better at doing; in the year 2011, I blogged like 15 times and this year, it has been a grand total of 5 times. Woo. So I figure, why not enlighten you on the happenings in my life? Most of them are retarded, but I figure if I can laugh at myself, so can you.

I was recently floating down the river with a few new acquaintances, and somehow we got on the topic of our most embarrassing stories. And woowee do I have some! Now, I believe most people on this planet have normal lives with a few stupid things that happen to them interspersed. But others of us seem to have lives that are laced with dumb things that happen, or we find ourselves in stupid situations that we never could have seen coming. But regardless, these moments happen anyway. And often. I, my dear readers, have one of those lives. And I figure I enjoy looking back on my life and laughing at myself. So maybe you can laugh at my life too.

This one particular day, I was in first grade and it was one of those classrooms where there's only one bathroom that the boys and the girls can use. No bathroom trips to the stalls, none of that. So I raise my hand during story time to ask Miss. Franklin (she wasn't married. It's because she was mean) if I could please use the bathroom. She said yes, but only if I sat there for the rest of story time. Of course I agreed, what else is a 7 year old kid going to say? "Umm... seriously? You're gonna make me wait when my teeny tiny seven year old bladder is about to burst? Lady, you're crazy." No no, I sat there while Clifford the Big Red Dog did whatever he did in the story, and then when it was over, I raced to the bathroom. Well, in my haste, I was totally oblivious to my surroundings and was so caught up in the fact that my bladder was going to explode that I didn't take the time to notice that the toilet seat had been left up by one of the sweet little boys in my class. I'd pulled down my drawers, turned around, sat down and SPLASH. I fell in the freaking toilet. I guess my butt was too narrow to get caught in between the outer edges of the porcelain seat so that I didn't fall in, but literally, I fell in the toilet. I was so upset and I didn't think to like, dry myself off with toilet paper or anything, so I just pulled myself out of the stupid toilet, pulled up my pants, and walked out to my teacher. Needless to say, the water on my bum started soaking through my pants to where the whole class could see. I was so embarrassed I started crying (that was my go-to when I was seven. To cry. I seriously did it all the time for the smallest things.) So my teacher had to call my mom to bring me an extra pair of pants, because little Timmy didn't think to put down the toilet seat. Fellas, this is why you put down the toilet seat. And ladies, this is why you make sure that the toilet seat is down in its normal position. Now, anytime I announce I'm going to the bathroom and someone says "Don't fall in!" my brain immediately goes to that story. And they don't even know.

I've realized over the years that most of the stupid things that happen to me turn out to be bathroom stories. And this one is no different. Except unlike the previous embarrassment, I was 10 years old, in the fourth grade. It was probably a week before Christmas, and I was at a Christmas parade with my mom, sister, brothers, and cousins. I believe my Aunt Tonya was there as well. If any of you have been to a Christmas parade, you know that there's a crap ton of floats you have to get through before Santa comes in his chimney float, or whatever he's in. Well, if any of you know me, you know that my bladder is the size of a pea and a grown adult. When I was a child, it was even smaller. I had just inhaled probably two cans of Sprite my Aunt had brought for us to drink, and I had to pee. Bad. But I was so torn, because I wanted to wait to go because I didn't want to miss Santa coming down the road. Even though I knew at the time he wasn't real... Anyway, you get the picture. I was a kid, had to pee, but wanted to see Santa. I didn't realize when I decided to hold it that it would take an hour and a half for Santa to get there. But wait I did though, and by the time it was time to go, it was TIME to GOOO. I sprinted to the nearest restroom after telling my mom that I needed to pee, and the only restroom was in this small bakery area. As soon as I got to the bathroom, I noticed it wasn't occupied and I was ecstatic. But what I hadn't thought about was that it was December, and regardless of how cold it doesn't get in Texas, it still gets chilly that time of year. And I didn't realize my hands were 100% numb until I tried to unbutton my pantaloons. And if any of you grew up in the 90's and had mothers that had a difficult time transitioning to the style of the 2000's, you had pants that were super duper tight in the waist, and tapered at the bottom. Like mom jeans. But on little girls. I don't know which is worse. Anyway, I was struggling to get my pants unbuttoned, and after about 30 seconds of doing my pee dance, I realized getting the pants off just wasn't going to happen with numb fingers. I didn't have time to run my hands under warm water, or warm them up by sitting on them, nothing. So I did what any rational 10 year old would do... I stood there, and peed on myself. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? It would have come out sooner than later, no matter if I was dressed or not.

The worst part of that experience was walking out of the bathroom with my sweater around my waist, not being a dry individual. I hated every second of it.

So anyway, there are a few embarrassing stories for you to marvel at. Don't worry, I will most likely post more when I have more time! TTFN.